I Don't Care If You Wouldn't, I Would.

Mystic Meg

2010-09-19T12:20:00.000-07:00

If Mystic Meg was my age she'd probably have a tumblr account where she'd regurgitate internet content and mix in some b&w pictures of her topless back on some tryna get my dick hard but not be called out for being an attention hoe shit. I'd probably follow her on twitter too and she'd probably be on some constantly retweeting @ZodiacFacts shit about how "As a #Pisces you have strange desires, impulses, and feelings which are difficult to describe or understand". I'd duly unfollow her but then she'd twitpic a picture of her new 'nailz' or some other accessory no-one gives a fuck about with a hint of cleavage and I'd be sucked back in.

I can front all I want, but when it comes down to it, I'm just another hungry hungry hippo looking for an easy smash.

Charlie Brooks

2010-09-10T09:06:00.001-07:00

I have always suspected that if I were a dude, I'd have burned out on drink and drugs and girls with 'cracking bristols' by 20, lost my hair and confidence at 30 and by 40 would have settled down at a soul destroying office job, carving out a niche as the 'wacky' guy, making jokes about 'tang' to cover for the naked, heart rending desolation in my eyes. And then I'd come home and my 300lb bitch wife would yell at me for a while about what a loser I am, still covered in her own lipstick from her afternoon tryst with Steve, the redneck plumber next door and I'd try to drown her out by imagining having my way with the office p.o.a, Stacy and then shooting myself in the supply closet. I like Charlie Brooks because she kind of looks like how I imagine Stacy.

Words and shit by the force that is Amy. Czech her blog interpolgroupieswearblack.

Sady Doyle (Feminist Blogger)

2010-09-05T15:42:00.000-07:00

I dunno if any of you have ever fucked with the type of girls who have opinions4u about feminism and like to write about them in punishing length on Wordpress blogs, but I don’t recommend it as a long-term option. The nuclear levels of daddy issues prevalent in that kinda dame might seem like the sort of thing you can have endless fun manipulating at first, but eventually every sexual encounter is gonna end up with at least one of you having “WHORECUNT” written across your forehead in Mac lipstick and an ass that looks like you just got beasted by E Honda.

But if you’re gonna put up with that stuff, you may as well go straight to the queen bee. From what I understand of this wacky ol’ subculture, Sady Doyle is basically the Nah Right of feminist bloggers, except with a lot less proclivity towards sucking dick. Her writing style mainly involves LOTS OF CAPITAL LETTERS like Melody Maker in 1998 never happened, and the usual “The lyrical conceits of Taylor Swift/gender relations in Judd Apatow movies/the rape and murder of Kitty Genovese: is it a good thing or a bad thing? I think it’s a good thing, apart from when it’s a bad thing, in which case it should be banned”. Anyway, that kinda forced anger and put-upon need to be SHOUTING A LOT about LOTS OF MINOR POP CULTURAL DEBRIS that OCCASIONALLY FEATURES SOMETHING SLIGHTLY OFFENSIVE IF YOU LOOK AT IT FROM THE VIEWPOINT OF A RICH WHITE GIRL BUT THEN GO “I KNOW AS A RICH WHITE GIRL I AM NOT REALLY IN A POSITION TO TALK ABOUT THIS BUT I WILL ANYWAY” is kinda what makes her mad blappable in my book. Anyone with that sort of personality has got to be so... studied sexually. The inverse of the “librarian whose secretly putting her mouth one side of glory-holes” stereotype. Sex with Sady Doyle would be the most perfunctory, acceptable sex imaginable. It’d be like sticking your dick in Tony Pulis’s management.

Words and shit by the mighty Dom P of IchLugeBullets.

Siobhan O'Dowd

2010-07-20T07:01:00.000-07:00

I kept my ears to the streets, checked The Martorialist. He's triple platinum, getting 50k readers a week. (If you haven't heard this bint in action, then get learned.)

We've all been there, on the bus minding our own business when a young white trash single mum dripping in that Juicy Couture tracksuit swagger pushing a pram like her baby daddy Jamal pushes Moroccan hash to the kids gets on too. Just as you do the standard 'what colour is the baby' pram check, the bitch suddenly bends over into your field of view as she picks up a dropped cuddly toy to reveal her g-string with the plastic diamanté triangle whale tail and you get semi bonk on.

We've all been there.

We gotta acknowledge The Martorialist for throwing it up for the alley-oop.

Paris Hilton

2010-06-14T03:51:00.001-07:00

I'm putting this up because a lot of dudes are still acting like they wouldn't hit this bitch like an angry pimp, mainly because of her supposed various STDs (a friend recently opined it would probably be like 'trying to fuck an active volcano') and because all ya'll internet nerds who still can't get over Megan Fox's thumb think she's kind of fugz. Which is not only untrue, but quite frankly with the dyed hair and Tara Reid extensions two shades too light, the fake nose, the lazy eye, the flat chest, the slutty behaviour, the tacky outfits and the hesitant belief that intellectually she's a 9, when quite frankly she's a 5 at best, Paris Hilton is like the gold standard of low self esteem. And that makes her the most beautiful girl in the world, to me.

Words and shit by Amy from interpolgroupieswearblack

The Brontë Sisters

2010-06-07T07:57:00.000-07:00

The fifth instalment in the historical bitches theme.

Top muff all round.

Definitely my top pick for the best incestuous group orgy category. It's weird to think that almost 200 years ago there were people walking around that I could have had sex with.

History. Weird innit.

Kat Stacks

2010-05-22T12:25:00.000-07:00

What is with all these annoying chicks always crying about not being able to 'sleep around' like men do. That shits a total fucking myth.

Let me ask you a question. Do you know any 'hoes' that are crying for male attention? Do you know any 'sluts' that are ostracized by men, have no male friends and cant find a date to save their lives?

OH NO WAIT! It's the total fucking opposite.

Most of their friends are male, they always have a new man, and their phones never stop ringing. Thats right. MEN LOVE SLUTS.

The people that hate on women that 'sleep around' are OTHER WOMEN.

I wonder how many girlfriends Kat Stacks actually has? I going to guess none.

But , like 60 or so broke ass Z-List rappers. My love for Kat Stacks has nothing to do with the fact that she kinda looks like Swizz Beatz in a wig, or has a totally emasculating laugh. Its the fact that she could suck a golf ball though a garden hose. And who in their right mind wouldn't want some of that?! Huh? Who?

ROOMATES!

Fat Jessica Simpson

2010-05-19T21:31:00.000-07:00

Watching Jessica Simpsons act appalled and offended by 'The Media' , during her latest pseudo feminist press blitz trying to pimp her god awful reality show about fat chick around the world. Is kinda like watching Hooters Waitresses act all appalled and offended when they get fired cause they aren't fucking hot anymore. BITCH, DID YOU MISS THE MEMO? YOU CANNOT BE SERIOUS.

Someone needs to explain to this chick that 3 years ago when she was on MTV in a bikini top and daisy dukes washing a Ford Mustang and shaking her ass. She didn't give a fuck about 'images of women' in the media. But god forbid we notice that she packed on 20 pounds and happen to talk about it, she turns into Germaine Greer.

These hoes are always offended about something.

Not that the extra weight looks bad on her either. If you ask me its a bit of an improvement.

But I am a black man. And chubby white girls with big tits are supposed to be my kryptonite.

So it turns out John Mayer is actually black after all.

Speaking of that smarmy fuck, he confirmed my suspicions all along. Jessica Simpson is a Dirty Birdy.

God bless strict, overly religious fathers.

'Ugly' Mariah Carey

2010-05-13T13:06:00.001-07:00

First off, I did not enjoy Precious. At all. It was voyeuristic welfare porn, straight up, served under the guise of 'profound insight'. To which I must reply, 'The Wire' was profound insight. Precious was just unpleasant (in one scene the main character literally shoplifts a bucket of chicken for the purpose of nourishing her unborn brother/child, although whether this is before or after being sexually abused by her mother, I don't know. I mean, come the fuck on). But three good things I managed to extract from that wrist slitting ordeal of a movie were;

1) Mo'nique's performance (she really was very, very good with what little she had to work with. I couldn't even hate her, as I was clearly supposed to, because her character was so totally one dimensional).

2) That Mary J Blige song from the trailer.

3) Mariah Carey's turn as a 'homely' social worker (the amazing transformation she puts down to not wearing make-up and applying a slight 'moustache').

I honestly can't decide which Mariah Carey I like best. Crazy, music video, married to Nick Cannon Mariah, who'd probably hurl an ashtray at your head if you got home late and has an entire closet devoted to lingerie, or haggard, civil servant, self loathing Mariah, who'd probably do your ironing and watch porn with you on your birthday.

These are the questions.

Words and shit by Amy, the artist formerly known as interpolgroupieswearblack

Joanne Cash

2010-05-12T05:30:00.000-07:00

You (sort of) asked for a prissy English rose Tory MP and you (sort of) got one. Joanne Cash actually lost to some bitch that looks like she gave birth to all the Cabbage Patch dolls in the world, seriously look it up.

And that just about wraps up our detail in depth non analysis of the most mashble in British politics. This was srs bizbiz.

Stella Creasy MP

2010-05-10T15:56:00.000-07:00

Labour MP for Walthamstow.

If was more of a badman and I saw on the the street I'd be all like Betcha Can't Wait for me to take you Around The World and buss a nut Deep in you and afterwards you can Hold My Body Tight if you want. But in reality I reckon I'd catch feelings for her and ask her to Stay Another Day in my House of Love.

Annunziata Rees-Mogg

2010-05-09T18:50:00.000-07:00

Conservative candidate for Somerton and Frome (ie bitch lost).

I dunno how she lost 'cause I'd keep stuffing her ballot box with my pink voting slip till that shit was full. CAN I GET A AMEN?

Louise Bagshawe MP

2010-05-09T06:41:00.000-07:00

Conservative MP for Corby and East Northamptonshire.

There's no pussy like Conservative pussy. It takes generations of breeding with good stock to produce those bitches....or just a rich dad with a hella fine mum.

(With a jaw like that you just know her pops is a busted looking nucca)

Priti Patel MP

2010-05-08T14:10:00.000-07:00

The Conservative MP for Witham is Priti by name, a UK 7 by nature.

Bridget Phillipson MP

2010-05-07T09:01:00.001-07:00

We've dipped our toe into political pussy here before on IDCIYWIW, but the coverage of the general election last night revealed that the real slept on pussy is actually in local politrickz.

Bridget Phillipson may have won Houghton and Sunderland South, but she also won my heart. There was no need for a recount for my baby-girl because it was landslide victory.

More political pussy from the general erection to cum (we've got a whole bag of poorly thought out double entendres where that came from).

Princess Diana

2010-04-26T12:42:00.000-07:00

The fourth instalment in the historical bitches theme.

It takes a special kind of dumb slut to be born into a position of such wealth and privilege and still manage to fail your GCSE's twice. She probably gave the best brain in all of West London.

Elizabeth Báthory

2010-04-15T16:25:00.000-07:00

The third instalment in the historical bitches theme.

Elizabeth Báthory's alleged to have killed and tortured over 600 people, which really turns me on because I imagine she'd probably try to choke me out really hard during sex and I'd try to repeat our pre-agreed safe word 'red trumpet' but she'd just ignore me and continue choking me until I remember I'm a man and I can totally just punch her in the face and win in the fight.

She'd probably love that as swell. Dirty bitch.

Anne Frank

2010-04-10T17:22:00.000-07:00

The second installment in the historical bitches theme.

My only beef with Anne Frank is the fact you'd have to eat her out, otherwise she'd write that shit in her ~~Livejournal~~ diary and you'd be forever known as the douchebag that wouldn't eat out Anne Frank.

On the plus side, everyone knows Jewish chicks are whores.

Irma Grese

2010-04-09T10:27:00.000-07:00

I realised we don't have enough historical bitches on this blog so I'm putting this piece of fine Nazi hoochie on the blog.

If my heart's a concentration camp, she can be my merciless Nazi guard any time.

Jessica Hynes

2010-04-09T09:51:00.001-07:00

aka the chick from 'Spaced'.

I think I'd go beyond mere mashing and actually say that I really wouldn't mind being married to Jessica Hynes. I've turned the big two zero now and I'm officially too old to be fucking around with girls in that beautiful grey area of legality. Before it was like "Oh you, what are you like eh?" and now it's just fucking creepy. Which is why I need to start fucking around with Jessica Hynes type bitches, I need to start thinking about girls to carry my bi-racial babies. It'd be great being married to Jessica Hynes because I imagine all her friends to be all quite introverts who all met at an all girls boarding school and became friends because they were the social outcasts due to various physical deformities. But now they've grown out of their big noses, braces and baby fat to become legitimately smashable 7's and 8's. What's great about them is that their teenage years were scarring enough for them to remain the awkward chubby girl at the party forever so their really funny but don't like going out to clubs and bars. Friends of girlfriends are always lame jealous douche-bags who insist on dragging your partner out to do shots of Sourz, woo loudly when 'Single Ladies' is played and get too drunk, throw up and then cry about how no-one loves them and your partner just wants to go home but she has to stay and reassure her that she just hasn't met the right guy yet and it's definitely not because she blows guys in alley ways.

Remember in Peep Show when Mark let that Australian bitch stay and she had those kinda hot annoying friends? Yeah I want to meet the opposite of those bitches.

Sven Goran Eriksson

2010-03-10T14:50:00.000-08:00

To me, Sven Goran Eriksson is the very essence of IDCIFYWIW. Every rational instinct is screaming 'nah mate, seriously, allow it'. But as Tuvshin so eloquently pointed out, dude ''goes around smashing nuff top fanny''. TBF seeing him rhapsodizing on the news, those melted jowls inching perilously towards his neckline, or strutting around with his hot POA wife doesn't put me off I'm inclined to think I probably would. He looks like even if you think you wouldn't, you'd wake up next to him the next day and scribble all your numbers on his palm.

It doesn't have to make sense, man. The heart wants what it wants.

Words and shit by Amy from interpolgroupieswearblack

Anne Robinson

2010-01-30T06:37:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure how we managed to overlook Anne all this time, she's a perfect candidate for this blog. It's definitely her persona on 'The Weakest Link' that I'm attracted to because she's basically given a license to be the dick she truly is....and she's a massive dick, she loves fox hunting and offending who nations of people and that shit makes my penis hard. I don't even see why people got pissed at her for making John Noakes cry. It's just a fucking dog, harden the fuck up bro. No need to weep like a bitch over a fucking dog. That fucking thing died fucking YEARS ago too. If her blog was ripped off wholesale and turned into a contrived classicist douche-fest she'd probably be really cool about it because she's a millionaire who can afford to record a spoken word diss track over the 'Ether' instrumental whereas I can only afford to make snide comments.

Snooki (The Jersey Shore)

2010-01-19T06:20:00.000-08:00

Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi

She's tacky, she's dumb, she's irritating, she's considered 'the ugly one' out of a group of girls that look like Monday night strippers, she thinks class means having diamante put on your acrylic nails and the morning after (before you got tested just in case) you'd have to soak the sheets to get out the streaks of fake tan and stomach turning stench of Impulse body spray. But despite all this, ashamedly I still would. There's just something about her.

My theory as to why that guy clocked her is that he probably thinking the exact same thing and was so disgusted with himself he took it out on her face. Fuck what he says happened. Man can't hide from himself.

Words and shit by Amy from interpolgroupieswearblack

2Shin: Personally I love her, I honestly think me and her are soul-mates just waiting to happen.

Meryl Streep

2010-01-04T13:01:00.000-08:00

Welcome to the first post of this new decade, and whilst we're all attempting to turn over a new leaves, I thought I'd start my own personal revolution here on IDCIYWIW first. I will neglect you, my little tykes, no longer. I'll try to present my warm and loving teat for you to suckle from more often but sometimes I may get in late, smelling of alcohol and try to read you bedtime story at 3.30am because I'm going to be there for you from now on goddamnit.

After two decades of licking booty holes then making jokes about getting ass crust in my finger nails; the prospect of marrying a woman like Meryl Streep is actually starting to appeal to me. Like the great Stacey Orrico once said 'there's got to be more to life, than chasing that temporary high'........that pause was me being unable to finish typing that sentence because my tears got into my keyboard.....those words just speak to me in a way I cannot readily understand. Meryl Streep is the female equivalent of that quote, she appeals to a man's higher nature, that bit inside every man who thinks they'd make great dad's, that bit inside every man who wants to buy into that white picket fence dream and you know what? I can dig it. Just as long as you don't turn into one of them male Bridget Jones/How I Met Your Mother type bitch nuccas.

I'd probably ruin it by trying to lick her booty hole on the first date though.

Justine Frischmann

2009-12-23T19:23:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I feel like The Sartorialist of ugly chicks, and olive skinned dykey looking chicks with short black hair are my rolled up trousers.

Despite the fact that from a distance, this chick looks like Peter Petrelli. Theres just something about her. Maybe it was that one single she had with that band? Whatever they were called. Or maybe I just like grungy rock sluts? Who knows?

In any event, the way I see it. If she can make Damon Albarn turn into an emo fggt and cry all over a track like Ghostface at the height of his Brit-pop fame. Then she must know how to work that pussy.

Ellen Barkin

2009-11-23T08:52:00.001-08:00

Ellen Barkin is the embodiment of the haggard coke slut who partied way too hard in her youth. She looks like the sort of woman who would seduce you, the way only a woman of a 'certain age' ever could. Next thing you know, you're swinging upside down in her sex dungeon, being whipped by an 18 year old Thai ladyboy. And unsure as to whether or not you like it.

She's 55. Talk about a MILF. I think fucking a fine-as-hell, crazy-as-fuck Jewish lady old enough to be your mother should be on everyone's 'to do before I die' list.

Words and shit by Amy from interpolgroupieswearblack

Ruby Wax

2009-11-22T13:27:00.000-08:00

You should know the drill by now and if you don't know why you should find Ruby Wax oddly attractive then let me break it for you:

Below/Average looks = Low self-esteem

Low self-esteem = Over compensating personality x Jewish Princess + Being annoying as hell = The best you ever had.

I'd approximate she's sucked over a few hundred dicks in her time in order to get guys to like her....can't knock the hustle.

Word up to the Platform family for giving me a Agony Uncle column on their site. I spit game and the realest talk for those in need of my advice. Other internet bloggers are good but 2Shin is for the children. I teach the children. CLICK DIS LINK N SEND IN YOUR PROBLEMS AND SHIT.

Solange Knowles

2009-11-01T15:26:00.000-08:00

Black Women are angry. And I totally get it. I would be pissed too if I had to put a bunch of chemicals on my head from the age of 9 to measure up to some bullshit white standard of beauty, only to have the richest most successful black men end up with some White Bitch anyway. Fuck that noise!

On top of all that , some time around 2003; by some freak of nature or from a steady diet of genetically modified foods and Hip-hop videos, white girls developed asses! How the fuck did that happen? Black chicks can't catch a break! Wouldn't you be pissed 24/7?

Solange has had enough, and so have I. I'm only fucking with black girls who have natural hair from now on.

Not that black girls ever liked me anyways. But thats another story.

I love Solange because she is an ACTUAL black woman. A proud Black Woman. Why would i wanna fuck with Beyonce or any of these other yentas with their huge fake manes and Photo-shopped skin tone trying to be something they aren't when I could just as easily fuck with a Kim Kardashian?

At-least Kim and me could shower together.

French And Saunders

2009-11-01T15:20:00.000-08:00

A discreet, no strings attached, no holds barred, esteemed comedienne bang fest. I think French and Saunders' profound mashability stems from either, the fact that they are a 4 and a solid 6, who could both easily become 8s, because they are actually really funny or because if you got them drunk enough there's a chance they could be coerced into a threesome. Hint of the repressed middle class lesbian up in there, somewhere.

Words and shit by Amy from interpolgroupieswearblack

Pre-Nose Job Ashlee Simpson

2009-10-31T23:25:00.000-07:00

She had the 'over compensating ugly-hot Alt sister' thing going. But then she had to go and ruin it with this whole deviated septum malarkey. Now she looks like your bog standard visually boring catalogue model. Who cares about you now? You don't stand out one bit! And we all know you hated your nose. Where's Jessica? I'm down for some of that. Atleast she is confident with her flaws.

Meghan McCain

2009-10-31T22:14:00.000-07:00

Being an ethnic minority growing up in western society, it's pretty easy to get defensive about stereotypes. Its not that I don't commit petty crimes. It's just that I resent the idea that I'm genetically inclined to do so. But you see, if I openly confess that I love me some fried chicken, or that Watermelon on a hot summers say is like the best thing evar! It can open up a whole can of worms.

Like that fact that heavy set white girls with big tatas is like kryptonite to a nikka.

You didn't hear it from me.

Katie Piper

2009-10-29T14:31:00.001-07:00

Ayo calm down son, let me kick a analogy: Women are like porridge and most dudes are like Goldilocks, acting like a little bitch cause she's too this or too that. Fuck that shit. Porridge is porridge, I know I ain't letting no porridge go to waste.

Ya feel me?

You would have begged for a piece before her attack but all of a sudden now you too good for the bitch? C'mon son, the fuck outta with that shit.

Katie Sketch of The Organ

2009-10-17T07:05:00.000-07:00

Katie Sketch is the most androgynous person on the planet. She makes Clea Duvall look like a Playboy Bunny. If you are an alt girl she was most likely your first 'Hanson' moment, and you most likely still equate the person who told you with intense feelings of shame and regret. But no matter. She is someone both males and females alike can appreciate. T&A and a handsome face. And its a different name to parrot at parties. Hopefully all you bitches can stop telling everyone how much you 'totally want to do Angelina Jolie' like it makes you some kind of unique, special flower. Same goes for Megan Fox.

Words and annoyingly long to format links by Amy from interpolgroupieswearblack

Mickey Rourke

2009-10-07T22:56:00.000-07:00

I have eyes. As a result, I know that Mickey Rourke is technically not what would usually be considered as attractive. But he is a dirty, insane sleazeball and he doesn't even pretend not to be and I, for one, can truly appreciate that quality in a man. It's rare. Screw all those guys who are scumbags and try to gloss it over with "You have such beautiful eyes" and flowers or whatever.

This is a man who wears a photo of his dead dog around his neck - he is clearly a little emotionally unstable, and he may therefore have jealousy issues. After watching (and drooling over) 'The Wrestler', I've come to the conclusion that he would easily knock any dude out who tried to flirt with his woman, and in a world where chivalry is dead, that is manly and macho and psycho and hot. You know that Mickey Rourke is totally the type of guy who carries a little baggie of Rohypnol around in his wallet in case of emergencies or uncontrollable urges. You know he's an arrogant fuck. You know he would be selfish in bed and probably pushing too-nasty. You know he is on the cusp of the Mutant/Circus Sideshow Freak category.

You DAMN sure know about 90% of his glossy mane is hair plugs. But it all pales into insignificance when you take into account the sole fact that he is a dirty motherfucker! Who now looks kinda like a 'cute 1980s Mickey Rourke' novelty candle!

I'm sorry, that is sexy.

Words from Chloë C of Diamonds deserve diamonds

Cristina Fernández de Kirchner

2009-09-28T08:08:00.000-07:00

The president of Argentina stimulates my package.

Fat Claire Richards

2009-09-28T00:55:00.000-07:00

Every guy remembers that one girl from school that was the considered hottest in the year, you prolly popped a few pre broadband wanks over. Well chances are she's had two kids and is now a fat. Girls who develop early, have sex early and then get pregnant early. But if you saw her chubby ass in a club and recognised her you'd still try to get on her 'cause...you know...it's her.

Fat Claire Richards works on the same principle, you still would, simply because it's Claire Richards.

Condoleezza Rice

2009-09-22T21:26:00.000-07:00

If your eyes are the window to your soul, then gapped teeth is the window to insatiable lust.

Elisabeth Moss

2009-09-21T12:24:00.000-07:00

Elisabeth Moss plays Peggy Olson in Mad Men. She is easily the least hot of all the women on it. She is constantly up against a formidable line-up of hotness including January Jones (♥ ), Christina Hendricks (♥ ♥ ), Maggie Siff and Peyton List, to name a few.
Its kind of like watching LeBron James play one-on-one with a crippled midget. Anyway. I recently realized that she is actually absurdly mashable outside of the show/away from the other members of the cast. A bit like 'that one' in the Backstreet Boys or the female members of S Club 7 who weren't Rachel. Its all about context. I think there's a lesson in there somewhere.

Post by Amy from interpolgroupieswearblack

Katey Sagal

2009-09-01T16:06:00.000-07:00

As a child/adolescent TV junkie I watched a lot of Married With Children (including the episodes when that annoying little kid Seven was in it for no reason wtf was that about srsly). It saddens me that the majority of the male viewership had only eyes for Christina Applegate completely ignoring the hot, older, spandex wearing nympho that is Peggy Bundy. Truly a shame. Every year Katey Sagal looks more and more like some haggard lesbian who can't let go of her old shitty riot grrl band and the subsequent dreams of glory derived from a 3 sentence gig review in Bust Magazine clipped from the November '96 issue, but I still would. No lie.

Waddup Amy from interpolgroupieswearblack

Personally I've always been a fan Katey Sagal's sizeable talents and any man who's not a feg knows their easily the best thing in '8 Simple Rules'. On a side note how the fuck is that bitch who's also in 'Big Bang Theory' typecast as 'the hot one' when she's not hot?
Fuck dat bitch. - 2Shin

Rumer Willis

2009-08-30T15:29:00.000-07:00

I never was too hot at maths but I still don't get how:
Bruce Willis + Demi Moore = This

But fuck it, I'd smash and I don't care how powerful her chin is. It's almost scientific fact that bitches whose mothers are actually hotter than them turn out to be mad slutty attention whores. I just need to secure some funding for my study and soon my hypothesis will be scientific fact. Holla at me for the paypal if you wanna contribute to the ground-breaking work being done here at IDCIYWIW.

- Dr Bolor aka The Love Doctor.

Hailey Duff

2009-08-23T08:30:00.000-07:00

Damn Hailz, why the long face? Where have you been since Napoleon Dynamite?
I guess having a younger, better looking , richer, more famous sister is enough to turn anyone into a neurotic attention seeker. Can't wait for your VH1 reality series of you looking for love.

Heidi Montag

2009-08-16T22:34:00.000-07:00

If it were 1996, when Pam Anderson was still in her prime, this chick would be at the top of most guys 'Chicks I'd like to fuck' list.
But sadly, times have moved on.
We have a black President, Mike Jack is gone and The big fake blonde mane and breast implant days are more played out than Von Dutch......Word to Ed Hardy.

But there is something that makes me want to stick it to this Jesus Freak.
Maybe its because I'm an 80's baby and the 90's remind me of a better time.

Word to Push Pops.

Anne Heche

2009-08-16T22:33:00.000-07:00

So it turns out me and Ellen have the same taste in women.
I'd gladly blog about Portia DeRossi but she's clearly a fox. I recently found out that she was like 45 or some crazy shit. Who woulda thunk it?
But anyways, since the days of that god-awful Psycho remake, I had a thing for Anne Heche. I guess my penis knows crazy when I see it, cause this chick is clearly coo coo for Cocoa Puffs.
Rumor has it, Steve Martin wrote the Heather Graham character Daisy in Bowfinger based on Anne.

"It's about these losers in Hollywood who want to make a movie, and I'm this naive, innocent girl who wants to be an actress. I'm willing to stop at nothing."

Nuff Said.
Someone much wiser than me once said, 'Crazy chicks are to men, what assholes are to women'. So for some reason I equate insanely dirty sex with moderately attractive, bat-shit women. It also helps that this chicks doesn't know whether she's into guys or girls. More fun for me!

The Sheilas Wheels Bitches

2009-08-16T13:12:00.000-07:00

A 6, a 3 and a possible 5. Also, you could get that desperate hen party vibe from space. Each is the face of a woman determined to get married THIS YEAR even if it means they have to dress and act like their WHORE cousin, who landed a doctor, if you can believe it.

Its been 2 years and I still cannot get the Sheila's wheels jingle out of my head.

Waddup Amy from interpolgroupieswearblack

Myra Hindley

2009-08-15T02:42:00.000-07:00

Even I think I'm a little fucked up for watching a documentary on serial killers and thinking about popping this bitches pussy on a hand stand steez.

Ayo its not my fault I can look past peoples faults to see their inner hoe.

Lisa Lampanelli

2009-07-24T08:46:00.000-07:00

I'm maybe a sucker for sass, but Lisa Lampanelli takes the biscuit. Her stand up isn't actually that great, the whole old broad swearing and being taboo schtick gets old pretty quickly but on a date she'd be amazing. Bad service in a restaurant? She'd rip the piss out of Samir and his shuffling ass until he was left weeping in a toilet cubicle about his adult acne. It'd be like hanging out with a belligerent bad mouthed Rodney Dangerfield but with a pair of tits and a vag. So you can have sex and such like but she'd go too far and you'd leave in the middle of the night and never mention what happened to anyone, not even your friends, not even to yourself....

Clea Duvall

2009-07-22T13:42:00.000-07:00

If I was going to become a lesbian, I'd probably date Clea Duvall. She looks like she'd make a pretty good girlfriend, like she wouldn't cheat on you or yell at you, if you forgot to call and would lend you her Dior Homme blazer knowing you had no intention of giving it back.

But she also looks like the kind of girl you could call up because you are so sick of all Chad's bullshit and need someone to talk to and she would come over with a bottle of Tequila, a copy of Guitar Hero and a Sofia Coppola DVD, switch off the depressing Emiliana Torrini song you have on repeat and ply you with alcohol until you're drunkenly imitating each others' accents and having slurred arguments about which one of you should man up and get food from the kitchen, which suddenly seems so far away. And maybe you'd end up getting to second base but you're both pretty drunk and it didn't mean anything so you'd be cool to fall asleep without it being awkward and the next morning she'd make waffles and tell you funny stories about the crazy people she works with.

Or maybe she looks like that androgynous someone you see propped up at a bar, nursing a beer and staring really hard at someone on the dancefloor and you try to figure out if they are a dude or not, because if its a dude, he's pretty hot.

Think I just like girls who are boys, ya'll.

Waddup Amy from interpolgroupieswearblack

Maura Tierney

2009-07-19T20:37:00.001-07:00

Once young, vibrant and full of life, she quickly finds herself trapped and neglected in a loveless, sexless marriage. Desperate for the love and attention she so intensely craves , she risks her life with numerous extra-marital affairs and dangerous sexual encounters with strangers.
That's the synopsis for the Lifetime movie I hear in my head whenever I see Maura Tierneys face.

She's also partial to some young peen. Just sayin' yall

Megan Mullally aka Karen Walker

2009-07-19T20:08:00.001-07:00

You guys probably already know, I have a strong aversion for over the hill sluts. But for some ungodly reason I can make allowances for Megan Mullally. She possesses something that Joanna Lumley and that overrated broad from Sex and the City do not. Genuine sexiness. Either that or I just don't like blondes. Either way, even when she was a boring Soccer Mom Daytime talk show host. You could still imagine fooling around with her in the back of a mini van. Don't roll the window down, it'll let the stank out.

Sue Perkins

2009-07-17T15:39:00.001-07:00

I think I actually quite fancy Sue Perkins. I've recently been watching "The Supersizers Eat..." in which she and hunky food critic Giles Coren (brother of Victoria) are basically paid to get drunk and gorge themselves under the thin guise of educating us on the eating habits of yesteryear. It's weirdly enjoyable to watch the palpable sexual tension between the two. She actually looks kinda hot in a wig and as we've established Giles Coren is such a hunk he can probably turn the staunchest of muff-divers, it's like you could witness some shit that would make Hardeep Kohli blush at any minute.

In a perfect world me and Sue Perkins would be a married couple who stayed in on the weekends to watch bad television and make sarcastic quips throughout. You can smash all the crazy hard drinking party chicks in the world but all men secretly want to eventually settle down with mildly attractive bookish woman who didn't go out and get fingered in alley-ways whilst drunk.

I've recently joined the library too. Take from that what you will.

Mutya Buena

2009-07-07T15:35:00.000-07:00

If Mutya Buena had a blog it would definitely be one of those sassy urban ones, it'd suck ass though. She'd also probably write sexually explicit blog entries on a urbancentric blog with other sassy female urban bloggers, I mean if such a thing existed cuz bitches know their role. That still doesn't explain why I wanna slip her one though, it was just a round about way of saying I wanna mash everyone on the internet because they pretend to be more urban and sassy than they really are but Mutya Buena is already kinda urban.......but not really sassy. I don't know what I'm typing about anymore since I'm mainly thinking about Gianna Michaels and food these days. I'm considering freeing up some time and getting into food porn.
God, the quality of writing on this blog has really gone down recently hasn't it?

In other news, I farted in the bath and accidentally tasted it, I thought it was slightly delicious.

Alan Cumming

2009-06-29T06:07:00.000-07:00

Srs, 'Romy and Michele's High School Reunion' (starring Lisa Kudrow and a still hot Mira Sorvino, holla). The scene where Alan Cummings flies over in the helicopter to see Michele and he's all rich and wearing a suit, I full on swooned. Not just because I'm a closet gold digger, but because after about 17 viewings, I finally realized there is something incredibly sexy about this dude. Its like a coming of age, the day you realize you want to do terrible things to Fegan Floop is the day you are a woman.

How do I know? For real, can you check out a hot, foppish, intelligent bisexual with a crazy accent and not have major crush anxiety? Yes? Bitch please. And you can keep your Zac Efron and your Robert Pattinson or whatever other dead eyed, leathery man slut you crazy kids are into nowadays.

Waddup Amy from interpolgroupieswearblack

Linda Robson

2009-06-28T16:44:00.000-07:00

You can tell once upon a time when Linda Robson was young she used to be quite hot and skinny but that's not why I'd do her. It's because she reminds me of one of my friends mums who had massive tits, I'd go round his house just on the off chance his mum would lean over the coffee table to give it a wipe down.....them images went straight into my adolescent wank bank because I'm a shitty friend like that.

I hope he doesn't read this shit because he'd immediately know it was about her, YEAH ITS ABOUT YOUR MUM BLUD, REMEMBER THE SHE CALLED BLACK PEOPLE SPADES? Fucking love that woman.

Deborah Jeanne Rowe

2009-06-25T17:02:00.000-07:00

I see a lot of young bucks making jokes, disrespecting and generally overlooking the importance of the undisputed King of Pop like dudes are too cool to mourn a brother. I know there's always a backlash when shit like this pops off and I'm usually one of them, just being controversial for shits and giggles but it's fucking Michael Jackson. He's the biggest star of our times, for better or worse he's our generations Elvis. Your friend that chugged down a pint in 3 seconds once isn't a legend, Michael Jackson is. The muthafucka will be more influential than The Beatles, Elvis or Madonna. You don't believe me?

CASE IN POINT

I won't make excuses for the man's lifestyle but let a brother mourn. It's weird because I think a lot of people born in the same era as me will also similar childhood memories involving MJ, whether attempting to learn the moonwalk or watching an uncle dance badly to Billie Jean at a family party, Michael Jackson had always just been a fixture. The guy was just a certainty was birth. Can you even remember the first time you knew who Michael Jackson was?
He was THAT guy. Shits signalling the end of an era mayne. Times is changing.

And to put my pecker into a woman that held Michael Jackson semen at one point would be more than an honour.

Gina Yashere

2009-06-17T10:20:00.000-07:00

I like my women like I like my coffee, black and strong.......actually I prefer my coffee white and sweet, but I still prefer my women black and strong, and the fact Gina Yashere is sort of funny is just a plus. The only reason she's on this blog now is because she lost loads of weight.

I would never fuck a fat sassy bitch. That sounds like a worse combination than bitches and iPhoto. A quick side note for the women of the world, I'm fucking sick of your fucking cretinous and ceaseless iPhoto's of you in various wacky poses with amazingly unamusing effects. If you can find me a woman with facebook who doesn't have a whole album dedicated to this narcissistic shitfest then I'll show you a PC user. Stop clogging up my highlights and feed with this shit when I'm looking for cleavage/trying to be a nosey fuck.

Another reason why Men >> Women.
DICKS FUCK CAMEL HOOFS YO.

David Miliband

2009-06-05T07:57:00.000-07:00

TBF if you wouldn't, you might as well just and go join the nearest Lesbian alliance. He's smart, rich and hot omg, the fucking trifecta, srs. Plus, this is the kind of brere you could make a career out of dating. Fuck internships and bitch pay and trying to 'prove yourself'. Dating a Foreign Secretary, instant fame. When someone asks what you do, instead of stammering about how you are a freelance stylist/journalist/DJ but you're working in the shoe section of Debenhams 'just as like, a side thing', you can look that bitch dead in the eye and say 'Oh, I'm taking some time off to support my boyfriend right now. Politics, you know?' and flash a smug, sympathetic smile.

Getting shivers just thinking about it.

Waddup Amy from interpolgroupieswearblack

Not gonna lie. I see it. No homo. - 2SHIN

Sara Gilbert

2009-05-29T06:01:00.000-07:00

She's most well-known for playing Darlene from Roseanne. Who is kinda the woman I secretly want to have babies with. Domineering is one word to describe her but I think cunt would be more accurate, but the thing is she doesn't have the other annoying habit's of more feminine bitches, like really shit in-jokes that they think are hilarious. Why is that bitches think it's hilarious to put unfunny quotes from their friends on their facebook profile DAT R SO RANDOM LOL.

"Favourite Quotations:
Maisie: 'i thought squid was a land animal'
Katie: 'no it's the thing with tentickles'
Maisie: 'Oh it has 10 tickles. what are tickles?'"

Fuck off. Just fuck right off.

Sara Gilbert would probably be really into the idea of choke-sex as well.

Charlie Brooker

2009-05-28T06:54:00.000-07:00

In my daydream, I watch him do a live Screenwipe on the 'Britain's Got Talent' final, getting angrier and angrier before finally just denouncing the entire viewing audience, branding them drooling, vacuous remote jockey cretins who would do better as food for the thinking public, than as the apathetic, dead eyed idiots society has allowed them to become. Oh Charlie! I love it when you rage against the status quo.

If you have a man crush on him, this is probably the place to confess.

Waddup Amy from interpolgroupieswearblack

Debi Mazar

2009-05-24T22:21:00.000-07:00

This is the face of the most passionate sex you'll ever have in your life.

Kirsten Johnston

2009-05-22T13:41:00.000-07:00

My penis first became aware of Kirsten on the shitcom (badam tiss muthafuckas) that was '3rd Rock From The Sun' sometime during the 90's, the fact she looks like she looks like a WWE Diva melted just makes me want to bang her even more because she's actually kinda almost funny on that show. She remains Hollywood's go-to girl for masculine-woman-who's-still-kinda-mashable.

This post could easily have been about Jane Curtin but I think anything would look mashable next to John Lithgow. How that nigga ever got pussy by looking like a old lesbian is beyond the mental capacity of a mere humanoid.

I got more punchlines than Papoose son.

Well dressed ugly chicks

2009-05-22T13:37:00.000-07:00

The flip-side of cute chicks in bad clothes is the ugly chick that can actually dress well.
The truth of the matter is that you can polish a turd however like the old saying goes you can dress a pig up but you can't stop it grunting.
So they can go down two very different routes. They most common is the insecure slut who sleeps with anyone superior on the social ladder or the asexual fashionista who end up looking like a bisexual from the future.

Basically ugly chicks that are well dressed are full of shit and you should punch them in the throat if they act like your inferior, that'll get you their respect and their snatch.

Kathryn Erbe

2009-05-20T21:56:00.000-07:00

I'm trying to think of something hotter than a Child killing Neo-Nazi broad on Death Row, horny enough to flash me her vagina and fuck me between the jail cell bars, while whispering sweet racist propaganda in my ear.

Nope.

Can't think of anything.

Edie Falco

2009-05-20T21:44:00.000-07:00

It's the neglected , sexually frustrated Soccer Mom. Who looks like she may also have a strong penchant for experiencing the love of another woman. She might just let you videotape it.

Kate Nash

2009-05-12T20:36:00.000-07:00

You guys ever hook up with a chick you never really gave a fuck about, but she had one real redeeming quality, like, she was an absolute freak, or she had some stupidly sized tits and let you do whatever you wanted to her. So a couple weeks later , you hang out again cause you basically have a serious woody and no other options. Then over the next couple month you guys hang out again and again, just casual, no pressure. On some friends with benefits type shit. Then one day you wake up and realize THIS ANNOYING BITCH IS MY FUCKING GIRLFRIEND!! HOW THE FUCK DID THIS HAPPEN???!

Yea, Kate Nash is sneaky like that.

You can see it in her eyes.

Alanis Morissette

2009-05-12T20:28:00.000-07:00

Thank you India. Thank you indeed!

Diana Ross

2009-05-09T11:09:00.001-07:00

"Born March 26, 1944 (1944-03-26) (age 65)"

Damn. Black really don't crack.

Kathy Griffin

2009-05-08T17:35:00.000-07:00

She was hotter when she was the desperate ugly chick on Suddenly Susan. Before she tried to make herself hot thus blinding herself in one eye. I guess I have a genuine boner for funny women, that's all. I could just as easily of posted about how I would totally bone Wanda Sykes. Or how Whoopi Goldberg circa Jumpin' Jack Flash could get it. But as you can tell. I really care about looking like a weirdo, so I have to pretend I have some kind of standards. Who was this post about again?

Bebe Neuwirth aka Lilith Crane

2009-05-08T14:56:00.000-07:00

Appeared on both Frasier and Cheers as Dr Frasier Cranes weird/sexy, conservative headmistressesque ex-wife. Her finest hour was in the movie The Faculty as a....um....Head Mistress. She's basically what every emo bint should aspire to be when they grow up.

Kate Gosselin

2009-05-07T15:41:00.000-07:00

If this prime piece of Milf meat didn't have 8 kids and cheating pansy of a husband. She'd be a grade A bar-star, doing Jagerbombs, Keg-stands, Myspace modelling, posting n00dz to love interests and making out with her best friend on the dancefloor for all our attention. Somebody find this bitch a baby sitter. STAT.

Sharona Fleming (aka Monk's assistant)

2009-05-07T11:38:00.000-07:00

aka Bitty Schram. That's her real fucking name! Minor lulz were had.

I've been away for a while but I'm back baby! It's like the time Ma$e made a comeback but without the obnoxious song about welcoming myself back. WHo

I don't know how Monk's first assistant hadn't made it on here sooner, I'd forgotten all about how much I used to love being ill on weekdays when I was 14 just to watch Monk and his sassy side-kick; all alone handling my floppy (Yeah I'd like to see you get tonsillitis and an erection....no homo). She epitomises the kinda woman your old ma wants you to settle down with: dependable, not afraid to bust balls, good looking enough to be your significant other but ugly enough to trust her to not screw around.

Oh and I find naturally curly hair on a bitch mad sexy. Any guys feeling me on this? I seem to be alone in this fetish.

Meg White

2009-05-05T20:55:00.001-07:00

I'm not a boob man by any stretch of the imagination. But there's something incredibly strange and biological that happens inside of me when I see a big ol' gargantuan pair of milky natural titties. Thanks Mother Nature. Thanks a lot.

I encourage you to click on the image.

Airbrushed Oprah

2009-05-05T17:36:00.000-07:00

Maybe Chappelle was on to something. I'm not sure what exactly Oprah is worth, but anyone with their own TV channel, own Radio network, and own school has gotta be worth some dough.
I always wondered why Famous and or Rich Women, never really have boy toys or arm candy? What a bullshit double standard. Have you seen the hot no-named dime pieces that decrepit old Larry King and Rupert Murdoch have on their arm? Why don't famous bitches fuck male groupies? HUH? ....But i digress. I'd def fuck with Oprah if it would set me up for life 3 times over. I'd just make sure she has a life time supply of spanks, weave and a make-up artist on call 24/7. An airbrushed Oprah is definitely up there in the looks department. Also long as I didn't have to wake up to THIS every morning. I'll be good.

Cute chicks in bad clothes

2009-05-04T16:01:00.000-07:00

The chick who's hot, but never got the Memo.
They're kinda like those illiterate adults who somehow slipped through their whole academic lives without anyone actually noticing that they never learned how to read. These chicks are great because they generally have terrible self-esteem, never put themselves out there and will pretty much fuck anyone who shows a modicum of interest in them.
The antithesis of the ugly chick who thinks she's hot , you can have tons of fun telling her what to wear , then showing off your new 'solid 9' to your friends & family. They'll be truly impressed.
Tread carefully though. She might clock on to her hotness and leave you for the nearest asshole drug dealer with a nice car. So don't be afraid to comment on her weight every now and again. Even when its completely untrue.

Judith (Judge Judy) Sheindlin

2009-05-04T12:10:00.000-07:00

An Alpha-Female at her finest. It's rare to hear such great logic from the opposite sex, but when you do. It's a turn on. Deep down you know 40 years ago she was hot, sassy, wise cracking Jewish broad from Brooklyn. It also helps when you know she's doing some kinky shit in her Judges Chamber.

Chicks peeing in public

2009-05-02T00:29:00.000-07:00

Call me a perv all you want. But there's something sexy about a chick who took the time to get all dolled up for a night out , doing something as dirty and depraved as peeing in public.

Kathy Lee Gifford

2009-04-18T00:10:00.001-07:00

Speaking of fetishes , I know my Soccer mom fetish has already been clearly noted. But Kathy Lee Gifford and I have a special relationship. That summer was pretty much the horniest period of my life. I someone managed to bag myself my 1st girlfriend, and she came just in time. I guess I must have hit puberty because I started notice hot chicks everywhere like never before!!! I mean, I always liked girls, but this time.. it was different! I would stare at their tits and asses and felt the physical need to hump and drain my nuts. I guess there's a inexplicable point in every males life where you go from being a boy to a man in the What Men Want skit from the Chappelle Show. And as you can tell, there's simply no going back.
That summer, when I wasn't making out and dry humping my at the local park, I'd spend my mornings staring at Kathy Lee Giffords tits and legs as she yuked it up with Regis, imagining what it would be like to be molested by her. Nearly 10 years later shes back on Morning TV, looking foxy as ever and I'm still hoping she'll molest me one day. A boy can wish right?

Hipster Grifter aka Kari Farrell

2009-04-17T22:19:00.000-07:00

I know i'm a bit late with this, but my chubby Asian fetish had to be documented. Her insane mentalist tendencies means all the more fun in the bedroom and i'm pretty sure she could still do my taxes.

Macaulay Culkin

2009-04-06T05:19:00.000-07:00

TBF its kind of a shock that Macaulay Culkin hasn't been found dead, hanging naked from a shower rail, full of narcotics and clutching a copy of 'Getting Even with Dad' yet.

But since he hasn't offed himself yet, I definitely would. They say crazy girls are awesome in bed and although the same isn't really true of crazy guys, he looks like a Rick James, from-his-head-down-to-his- toes style freak. Afterwards have you walking like John Wayne and shit.

Plus it would be like living out the fantasies I had when I was 10 about wrecking FAO Schwartz and drinking hot chocolate with him. Except with penetration.

Post by Amy from interpolgroupieswearblack

Emo Girls

2009-03-29T07:05:00.000-07:00

We all experience feelings of despair and worthlessness from time to time so to form a whole counter-culture around the fact you have feelings is just plain retarded. Emo's don't even see the inherent irony in this nor do they realise just how shit they look.
But despite this, emo bitches have something about them. I think it might be the fact they've gone to extreme lengths to hide the run-of-the-mill Becky or Carly that lurks underneath. I don't know. It's just something I can't fully figure out.

Although the male emo's can just fuck off. You think you got problems son?
When you got bills to pay and baby momma drama then come back to me.

Kathryn Flett

2009-03-26T17:03:00.000-07:00

I feel an affinity with this bitch cause she's all up in that grumpy old bitches programme where old sour-pusses complain about shit. I feel her steez.

Cause I got some shit I need to get off my chest too:

* Fuck electro. Fuck Boyz Noize. Fuck Hype Machine. Fuck NORE. Fuck electro blogs.

* Fuck every cunt with a camera and a flickr account. You are not a photographer. Black & white photos/overly saturated photos doesn't necessarily mean it looks good.Extreme close ups of everyday (read: banal) shit is not 'art'. You contrived unoriginal cracka.

* Fuck tumblr. Fucking style over substance niggaz.

* Fuck fashion blogs. Especially sneaker fag ones.

* Fuck dubstep. I can get over the fact it was invented solely for awkward white dudes who can't dance, but the fact it's being played EVERYWHERE now is just silly. Like electro; this shit is just not sexy, where's the funk? where's the jive? where's the soul? how am I meant to dry hump bitches up in clubs to this shit?

* Fuck hipster 'it' girls. Sky Ferreira? Y'all niggaz serious?
No doubt I'd jizz on her tits but come on. Remember when you had to be at least fit to be a 'it' girl?.....

* Fuck how drinking pints of tea makes me gassy.

* Fuck some other stuff I'm too inarticulate to express right now.

Sarah Jessica Parker

2009-03-18T09:13:00.000-07:00

I can't actually fucking stand this bint. She's a celebrity version of the butters friend in the group that gets told she's 'pretty' by the rest of the females but this bitch takes the biscuit and believes the hype. I really don't want to see this cunts mega Jewish Princess beak 'sexily' frolicking in a satin dress on my telly trying to hock her cunting fragrance. Bitch, you are not sexy. You are merely the butters friend. Fall back and play yo position son.

but I wanna to bang out her narni regardless. I think it's because it's kinda like Worldstarhiphop.com video commments:

"man dats fucced up. i didnt know it was like that in africa, i mean all da movies, news reports you would never know. how he get dat gucci hat in africa"

so wrong, it's actually right.

Chantelle Steadman

2009-03-11T16:30:00.000-07:00

Look, all I'm saying is given the right set of circumstances I could look at her tit that's bigger than the lil niggaz whole head and think some fucked up shit. I mean just look at that shit.

And the fact she's mashed a 12 year old doesn't actually put me off, I mean my dick's gotta be bigger than a 12 year olds junk right?

Don't judge me, just live ur life innit.

Jodie Foster

2009-03-08T21:48:00.000-07:00

Ok so I have a thing for lesbionic chicks. Sue me. But I have two words for you all. The Accused.

Anyone who has seen this movie will agree with me, she managed to make a scene which was supposed to be so wrong. Seem so right. Don't get me wrong rape is totally awful. But I have two heads, and the other one thought it was hot.

It kinda reminds me of this girl I used to be into. For some reason the first night we met she confessed to me that she had been raped a few months before. It was a terrible story, but while she was telling me, I felt a huge amount of jealousy. Those bastards got to fuck her and I didn't!

Rape. WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT?!

But seriously ya'lls , rape is serious business even if it can seem hot sometimes.

Ladies , if you're worried about being attacked. Invest in one of these

Thora Birch In Ghost World

2009-03-08T05:29:00.000-07:00

I'm basically the antithesis of this bitch:
*I eat fried chicken
*I use Jamaican patois inappropriately
*I unironically like populist shit. My love for celebrity gossip and Three 6 Mafia is realer than real-deal Holyfield.

But I think it could work, she could school me on graphic novels and jazz and I would teach her to do the Willy Bounce and Nuh Linga. But really and truly it all boils down to wisdom from a certain Mr Notorious B.I.G (عليه السلام) :
"I like em cute, round tits and fat asses
Educated, so I can bust off on they glasses"

ya simi?

I know the Martorialist will be feeling me on this one....

2girls1cup

2009-03-01T16:52:00.000-08:00

Im not into scat or being shitted on my any means. But I've been on the internet for some 9 years now with a non dial-up connection. For most males in that situation, just based on curiosity, boredom and a few wrong clicks, it means we would have probably seen some of the most outrageous/bizarre pornography available. In my case it is probably true.

By the time 2girls1cup came around, I was already numb to the shock factor of seeing something like that on video. There was no '2girls1cup reaction' from me. It was more of a deadpan stare. In-fact, I was eating at the time and could have sworn I had seen those 2 hoes before in a video somewhere else on the interwebs.

The great thing about 2girls1cup, is that both of those chicks were actually kinda hot. Take them out of Brazil and into the club scene of any major western city and we're talking Solid 8's. Guys would be all over them! Its a well known fact that Brazil 4's are London 11's! And watching a hot chick take a dump can't be the worst thing in the world? Especially if you don't have to smell it! I mean, if I had to witness Eliza Dushku spreading her cheeks and taking a shit, I'm pretty sure I would bone up instantly.

The truth is, if I was in the room with them, I'd probably be gagging , gasping for air and trying to find the nearest window to open. But watching two solid 8's snowball a streaming pile of poop in the comfort of my own home wasn't that bad at all. The puke was the icing on the cake.

Daddy must be proud.

BUSH

2009-02-25T21:00:00.000-08:00

Lets face it. Its not the 90's anymore. The whole Pam Anderson, big blonde hair silicone porn-star, shaved vagina, Brazilian era is over. It's time to take it back to the essence.

We had broads going crazy, getting waxed, shaving ridiculous landing strips, heart-shapes/upside down V's on their privates, just because Jenna Jameson had it. WHAT THE HELL WERE WE THINKING? Razor burn, Stubble and Ingrown pussy hairs are not a good look.

Bush is great because its something different visually. Looking at a gaping meaty hole can be intimidating sometimes. Leave a little mystery you dirty skank, I don't need to know what your Vulval vestibule looks like. I also enjoy Bush because I'm a real fucking man and I love the smell of pussy. And incase you didn't know one of the main reasons we have pubic hairs is to retain odors used for attracting the opposite sex.

Tell me Daisy Lowes bush isn't inviting. I dare you! I can smell that puss from here.

Bill Gates

2009-02-24T11:39:00.000-08:00

Any woman who has ever wanted a Chanel 2.55 and a ride in a private jet would have sex with a much uglier billionaire than Bill Gates. His money makes him at least 60 times more attractive than he would be otherwise. Plus he kind has the same vibe about him as that dorky kid in secondary school who wore pants that stopped a good 4 inches above his ankles, but was actually kind of hot without his glasses.

I also like to imagine, he'd probably have loads of hilarious sexual catchphrases.

"Feeling to get into your standby database. You gonna grant me access?"

"You want me to put my horizontal tab into your backspace?!"

"Yeah, I'm gonna reboot. I'm gonna reboot all over your face."

I'd do it for da lolz.

Post by Amy from interpolgroupieswearblack

Kris Marshall

2009-02-17T06:25:00.000-08:00

A list of things I would do to have sex with this brere

-Lick the unmopped floor of an intensive care unit
-Push an nun down a flight of stairs
-Get a white power tattoo on my forehead before attending a Tony Yayo concert
-Anger Chris Brown
-Pick a fight with an bear

I can't even decide which Kris Marshall is more appealing; the dumb Kris Marshall from 'My Family' or the sexy father figure Kris Marshall from the BT adverts. Either one would experience aggravated sexual assault srs.

Post by Amy from interpolgroupieswearblack

Bjork

2009-02-17T05:35:00.000-08:00

I'm not gonna front, I haven't listened to any of her albums and the only songs of hers I'm aware of are the ones with those videos where she all like a lesbian robot and that other one with the people dancing and you can see up her dress a few times. Unlike most you phoneys, I can actually admit this. She should be an entry on 'stuffwhitepeoplelike' with the amount of dick riding she receives.
It's essentially because she's actually batshit crazy. Like genuine airport brawling crazy (did anyone else think it was actually kinda hot?). Anyway according to the internet white peoples need to find and relate to music that is 'genuine' and 'unique' because it's a reflection of their character and all that jazz, (how else do you explain The Fall?), but I always she was sounded like she was being nailed in the pooper.

And I'm always down for some 'Last Tango In Paris' antics.

Bai Ling

2009-02-16T20:11:00.000-08:00

I think this chick is famous in China for being in a bunch of movies n' shit, but on this side of the water she's mostly famous for an obscene amount of documented Nip Slips. And boy are they obscene. She has the horniest nipples you'll ever see. They're like brown little baby carrots begging to be suckled on like a starving little African baby hungrily lapping up Selma Hayek's milk filled juggs. This African Baby want milk. Sushi flavored milk.

Peaches Geldof

2009-02-16T17:55:00.000-08:00

My penis really wants to have dirtiest sex imaginable with Peaches Geldof (No 2girls1cup.com), and I can't figure out why. Maybe it's the annoying lisp? I always figured chicks with lisps have amazing dick sucking capabilities, because they spent too many years either sucking on their thumb or a pacifier. Perfect practice.

I could say its the spoiled, Rich Bitch thing. But then again, there are many rich bitches who I wouldn't fuck with 2shins dick *coughAliHilfigercough*.

Anyways, I don't know how my dick's gonna make it happen, but he's already made me friend request her on Myspace, move to New York and now I'm joining a shitty indie-rock band, growing a beard and getting a bunch of god awful half finished tattoos. Maybe she'll replace her thumb with my peen, and pacify herself to sleep (Yes sleepassault.com)

Courtney Love

2009-02-15T03:53:00.000-08:00

She's the celebrity equivalent of that one lonesome girl up in the club that's dancing by herself all night, both look permanently sweaty for some reason. Seriously look on Google images. I think it might be Hyperhidrosis.

Steve Buscemi

2009-02-12T14:33:00.000-08:00

Steve Buscemi looks like someone you might you see a mugshot of on Crimewatch, being touted as 'the most vicious killer since Albert Fish' and sometimes a girl just needs a thug in her life.

Also he was in four of the best movies ever of all time (Fargo, Reservoir Dogs, Ghostworld and motherfucking Con Air). And surely just one of those accolades would be more than enough to make you not wince when he tried to kiss you, right?

Post by Amy from itslikeyeahmotherfucker

Chubby Christina Ricci

2009-02-10T20:39:00.000-08:00

Some chicks are just better of not trying to be hot.

The world has never fully accepted Skinny Christina Ricci. She had the whole 'Alternative, sexually charged, girl next door you could lose your virginity to but not tell anybody' thing on lock down. So much so, she had an album dedicated to her. But then she had to go and spoil everything by going all 'mainstream hollywood' turning into yet another yo-yo diet Star doll/Bobble-head hybrid. Where is she now? Nobody cares! She just blends in with all the norms. Somebody pass this chick a greasy ham sammich and vintage coat ASAP. So we can get down to some serious hanky panky in my parents basement.

Chubby Nicole Richie

2009-02-09T01:10:00.000-08:00

Fuck a 92 lb Nicole Richie. I need the baby-less, Chubby, Hilarious, Sassy, fresh out of rehab Nicole Richie that was on the first season of The Simple Life.

Elisabeth Hasselbeck

2009-02-08T21:58:00.000-08:00

Ok, it's pretty obvious that this chick is hot. But it seems everyone one in the world hates her guts. And rightly so. She is an irksome self-righteous republican mouth piece with the logical thinking of a heavily intoxicated bipolar stripper.
When debating with the other cacklin' hens on The View about abortion, pre marital sex and other conservative talking points, she answers simple questions with questions, and breaks down in tears when she is proved wrong.
All a sure fire sign shes got some nipple clamps, leather bondage gear and sex chamber in the basement of her gated community home.
I don't know what they put in the Republican convention Kool-Aid , but have you ever watched Fox News? That place is hot racist bitch central! If goodlooking , racist and ditzy is the order of the day, then Bobby Jindal me the fuck up! I'm down for the Cause! PALIN 2012 BABY!

Lisa Loeb

2009-02-07T04:16:00.000-08:00

I can't remember what year it was that one big song came out. But when it did, it was a watershed moment in my life. I realized I had a serious problem with wanting to do kinky shit to nerdy girls with hot bodies.

Latoya Jackson

2009-02-05T11:08:00.000-08:00

Just because I've always dreamt of meeting a woman with such over-bearing parents that they've lead most of their life sheltered from reality (without resorting to shit like becoming a Wiccan) so I can one day seduce them in the library, pretending to take an active in animal welfare whilst I slowly get them to ditch wearing flared jeans for those boner inducing American Apparel knee high socks and awaken long suppressed sexual desires and in turn would become hot, intellectual with low self-esteem issues so you know they wouldn’t leave you for a douche in a shitty post-punk band, doesn’t make me a bad person damn it!

(I wrote this a while ago when Big Brother was on and this would have actually been relevant but it was especially for my boyz fanzine for when he was touring with his post punk band)

Zoë Wanamaker

2009-01-31T12:03:00.000-08:00

I wont even write anything for this because 90% of the time the comments are actually better than what I write.

Fuck you guys for making me look bad.

Helen Lederer

2009-01-31T08:26:00.000-08:00

When not making a living as a professional talking head in every programme ever made which features talking heads, or writing her own wikipedia page, or being better looking than her teenage daughter she spends the rest of the time gazing into your soul with her eyes. Seriously just look at her eyes, what the fuck is up with them? With just one look she communicates everything that would take me three whole minutes to..

I FEEL THE SAME WAY ABOUT YOU TOO BABY!